My current relationship with my father has been deteriorating for the past year and I refuse to be the person to initiate any reconciliation efforts. I will also not sit here and write bad things about my dad on this blog. I am also at fault for our tumultuous relationship. With that being said, my father and I were never really close like most sons have with their fathers. He was away during my formative years and I really didn’t get to interact with him till I reached my teenage years. There was a period in high school we were on the path to getting close but something happened when I was in college that altered that path. As I have mentioned in an old blog post in this website, I have always said I was born into the wrong family. While I love my sisters to death, I just have this feeling that I just don’t belong and I certainly don’t buy into the “blood is thicker than water” mantra.
As an undergraduate at university my old boss (also my current boss now till I move to my new job) became a sort of father figure to me throughout my undergraduate years and beyond. He even help me get a [temporary] job after I completed my masters studies. About three months ago, he had a severe headache and it turned out he had a severe brain injury thus he had to undergo surgery.
After three successful surgeries, he is back to normal but he can’t work as much as he used to and recovery can take up to a year or more. While he was in surgery, I was genuinely concerned about his well-being and really thought my life will drastically change if he did not wake up from surgery or if the surgery went horribly wrong. If he had died, I don’t know what I would have done and it would have probably triggered an emotional breakdown from me…
According to my older sister, my boss sees me as the son he has always wanted granted he has a daughter (who is a few years older than I am) and a much younger son (whom I wrote about here). What my sister claims is very true because he is the father I have always wanted. They way we just get along and listens to my concerns is something my biological dad never did. I know we cannot choose what kind of family we are born into but sometimes watching Father/son dynamics among my friends makes me wish I had that connection with my dad but its too late for that now.
Funnily, a friend asked me over the weekend how I would feel if my biological father was to suddenly die. I told him I will feel no emotion. No sadness no happiness just emptiness. Just nothing. He told me I was lying but he knows me very well that when I say I will be emotionless that will be case. I know it very heartless to say this and I’ve been criticised for saying that I will feel no emotion but that is the harsh reality.
My dad is not a bad person at all and he’s actually a great father to my younger sister but there comes a point where some things are meant to break because they were never strong enough in the first place. That’s just life.
I hope that if I end up having children in the not so distant future, I would be the father figure I always wanted to them.