“Of course I do”
“Really, I always thought you don’t like black guys”
“Oh my goodness, like seriously”
“Yeah, I mean all the guys you’ve dated are white”
“That does not mean I don’t like Black guys and for your information I have hooked up with guys of almost every race except for Native Americans…I think”
“Wait. Wow so is it true about ummm what they say about Asian guys…like the size”
The aforementioned snippet is a conversation I had with my older sister when Michael Sam (the first openly gay man drafted to the NFL) kissed his boyfriend on national television. It was simply adorable. Everyone round me knows that I find interracial couples and relationships very fascinating. As a kid, I wanted to be part of an interracial family and used to envy my friends and relatives who had one parent of a different race.
While majority of people watching Michael Sam kiss his boyfriend on TV were nonchalant, others sighed as Michael Sam became just another Black athlete with a white significant other. It is also worth nothing that all three of the newly openly gay Black male athletes are in interracial relationships. What were the odds?!
Looking back on my dating life, my sister was right. I have only dated mostly white guys. Is it because I am stuck on the whole idea of interracial pairings that I refuse to date people of other races? Alternatively, when I see gay people of colour in relationships I get giddy because they are rarely shown in the media. I used to visit a tumblr blog solely dedicated to showing Black gay couples and queer couples of colour.
So how come I have exclusively dated white guys? Honestly I have no idea. I don’t think I am subconsciously doing it either. When it come to attraction [whether physical or sexual] , race does not play a factor for me at all. It’s feels particularly weird because I myself have never had a “type”. I’ve been strongly attracted to almost every type of gay male. He doesn’t have to be a twink, muscle head, jock, or a whatever-specific-archetype.
This is funny because my friends can attest to the fact that I loathe profiles that have “No [insert race here]” yet I have only dated white guys. Let me be clear here. Dating does not equal hooking up/being sexually active. When it comes to hooking up/being sexually active, goodness knows I have sampled a lot of men from different races/cultures/ethnicities. I can remember the excitement when I first hooked up with a Nigerian man…
I remember I had a crush on a very cute Black guy in one of my college social groups and when I had the courage to ask him out for coffee, he told me he only dated white guys. It was a huge blow to my self esteem. He wasn’t the only person to reject me based on the complexion of my skin and he certainly wouldn’t be the last. One of the key things about attraction is how the media portrays the ideal type. White is beautiful in the western world. We often time see white super models, news anchors, and super heroes than any other race. While we are beginning to see more “diversity”, most of time it’s still white.
The gay “culture” is not immune from the the media’s white worship. This is a result of latent racism in our society that continuously inform us of a beauty ideal that is typical of a white face. When this happens people begin to learn that white is much more beautiful than any other colour. I find it interesting that black guys are also guilty of the using the “No [insert race here]” and they get upset when people reject them.
Incidentally, some psychoanalysts argue that all forms of attraction are fetishised, its just that certain ones are socially acceptable/normal (a great example is blond with blue eyes). I actually do believe that everything is fetishised in a way but fetishisation always has a negative connotation. Its always a catch 22. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. What is the difference between being approached for being black and sexy and being approached for being tall and sexy?
So this brings me to my dilemma, am I only attracted to white guys when it comes to dating? Or am I obsessed with interracial relationship that it is clouding my judgement? In my experience, most of the Black guys who have contacted me [or have met in bars] were closeted and only wanted a quick shag which is fine. I have never had a Black guys ask me to go on a date. The ones I do approach or either not interested or I am not their type. I reckon another issue is where I choose to live. I have usually lived in areas filled with with whites thus the chances of meeting a Black gay person is pretty slim to none. I am very particular about where I live and will pay the money to live in a very secure area. Unfortunately the reality of the situation is that it limits my exposure to Black men since these places will be filled with whites.
But then I don’t want to date Black guys because I feel some sort of guilt. What about the Hispanic/Latin/Asian, etc that I also haven’t dated? I have accepted the fact that I have never dated someone who is Black/Hispanic/Latin/Asian, it is not on purpose, but that’s just how it has been. The majority of my friends are not white, many are a from different ethnicities. I’m gay. I’m into gay guys. I don’t care what a person’s ethnicity is – I’ve been with majority of them – and I’d never limit myself by saying “No [insert race here]”. My only requirement is for the potential date to make me laugh and/or engage me in an intellectual conversations.