On Crushes…

I have always said I will ever fall for a straight guy because nothing is worse in this world than unrequited love or affections. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate the sight of a handsome man regards of orientation but the attention stops there.

As an undergraduate, I had a crush on a professor who I thought was gay but turns out he was not. I recently got the opportunity to work with him on a project and now the crush is back. Having a crush (or whatever the feeling is…) at this stage in my life feels weird. I know he is married with children so nothing can and will ever happen. My sister always says I smile and I appear to be terribly excited every time I work with him.

Over the last few weeks, we’ve gotten to know each other and he teases me (granted he also teases everyone at work) quite a bit now and he even got me a cupcake for lunch. Everyone knows that cupcakes are the loves of my life. Nothing comes close to my love for cupcakes. Absolutely no one comes between me and my cupcakes…

I really do not know why this crush is happening right now. My sister says its because I miss “the Banker” and the professor reminds me of my ex. I don’t know how true that it but perhaps she’s right. But the thing is, I don’t wonder if the professor thinks about me because I don’t of him (in any inappropriate manner) and I don’t get butterflies in my stomach.

I reckon I just want to be around him. I get sorta nervous around him and try to act “cool” (cool in this case implies that I know a lot of theories on race, post colonialism, etc), and look forward to seeing him for our projects of course…

I am thinking it is more of extreme adoration based on a very selective knowledge of him and also because I like the conversations we have. I’m very glad this crush is not indicative of any potential situation of unrequited love. I’m also hoping this crush is temporary as I don’t have the time and energy to be acting like a 15 year old at this point in my life.

On the subject of crushes, I came home to see my mum over the weekend an installed Grindr on my phone as I was bored and all my high school friends have moved away to different places. I saw a picture of a guy who looked familiar and realised it was the picture of a guy I had a crush on in highschool.

We had Advanced Placement biology together and he was a year ahead of me. We would steal glances and smiles at each other in class but we rarely spoke outside of class. He used to hang out with the kids who smoked and smoking turns me off big time.

With him, I would daydream about him and when I played The Sims at home, I would create a family of me and him and we would live happily ever after.

Seeing him on on Grindr made me giggle and since he is looking for “Dates” and “Right Now” there is no point in me messaging him as that is not what I am looking for.

But do I wonder if he can recognise me from my picture…


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