I have been staring at this page for a while not knowing what to write. My life is not terribly exciting as I have been writing my dissertation and I now have a love hate relationship with anything that resembles writing. Responding to emails have become a chore. I just want to go to Bali (or be on a yacht in St. Tropez) and relax. Why is life so unfair…
Besides the mundane aspects of my life this summer, things with the Polish guy have reached a new level (both good and bad). Since my last post nothing has really changed (i.e. don’t know if we are exclusive/non exclusive or whatever kids these days call it). In the last three weeks I have seen him twice. The first was when I had a Champagne brunch in my flat and invited him so he can finally meet my friend circle. The second time was three days after the brunch when he invited me over to his new flat and I ended up spending the afternoon and night with him. Spending time with him resulted in a burst of emotions I didn’t want to feel. I began to feel vulnerable and I felt very uneasy. Don’t get me wrong I like him but he hasn’t given me a reason to fully open up to him yet that night i just wanted to open up to him. Fortunately I was able to close myself off before I went any further.
So why the resistance? Well since we have been seeing each other, I have tried not to go on gaydar and I have hidden all “gay-related” apps on my phone and only check them when I receive an email stating that I have unread messages. So imagine my surprise when I saw that Polish guy was an active user on adam4adam and scruff (both gay dating apps).
Truth be told, I wasn’t hurt as he has never said we are exclusive so he certainly is allowed to see other people if he wants to. I was just mad at myself for believing that since we’ve been seeing each other for quite a while, he will allude to some of exclusivity but I guess not. I also thinks that because I’m young, I am properly sowing my wild oats across England (boy I wish that was true). After I saw that, I still spent the night with him and it was one of the romantic nights I have spent with with another person in a very long time.
I haven’t seen him after I left his flat the following morning. We talk everyday on the phone but we haven’t physically met. I used to initiate “when are you free” conversations but I have stopped since he knows I am mostly free as I’m either at home or in the library writing my dissertation. We were supposed to hang out this pass Friday but he didn’t tell me when he was free and I didn’t bother to ask. We are scheduled to meet next saturday as I invited him to my birthday party so we’ll see. As I mentioned in the previous post, he is hesitant to make a move primarily because, he’s uneasy about the age difference, it also doesn’t help that I have never had a relationship with anyone and my uncertain future in Europe isn’t helping either.
So right now I don’t know where we stand. Perhaps we are moving towards the friendship category. I just want to know.