Take A Chance On Me

Is age really a number?

I have been asking myself this question after an encounter with a guy I was seeing during the first few months of 2013. The circumstances by which we met are still unclear to me. I still don’t remember how we met I think it was at a pub or something in December 2012. I was probably intoxicated. Anyway I was seeing him for while and I don’t think I blogged about it as I thought it wasn’t going to lead anywhere . He was 45 year old Italian who works in the upper management of the world famous Harrods store here in London. He’s Italian but spent most of his formative years in Germany so he’s fluent in German. While we were seeing each other, we used to converse in German and he certainly helped me with my German conversational skills. But alas I ended things as he said some things that annoyed me. First of all he used to bring up the fact that he had a 18 year old son during post coital sessions. Initially I told him I wasn’t bothered and he kept bringing up him again. Secondly, he also brought up the fact that  I was very young and I need to experience the gay life (whatever that means) before I try to seek a relationship. The third thing he used to bring up was his ex (who happened to be American…just my bloody luck) was young and ended up cheating on him. Besides that he was one of the sweetest men I got the chance to know.

While I ended whatever we had, we still remained friends and he still messages me to say hello and check up on me. I ran into him last weekend during London Pride weekend after spending the night with the Polish guy I am now dating (perhaps “seeing” will is appropriate). We went to have drinks and updated each other on new things in our respective lives. He told me he was still single and that he still hasn’t found a fun and intelligent guy as me. I told him that I was now dating a Polish guy but were aren’t officially “boyfriends” yet as we are still navigating whatever we have going on now. After I told him that, his response was “if you were 10 years older I would have fought for you and we would still be together”. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I just starred at him and muttered “huh”. He said he really tried to look past our 20 year age gap but the experiences with his ex made it difficult for him to look past it. He also said if I was 30 then he would not have let me go.

Don’t get me wrong a 20 year gap is quite huge but it does it really matter? With power struggles and daddy issues aside, is it really unhealthy for a forty year old man to date a twenty year old (or vice versa). I have read the arguments for and against such pairings and it certainly varies from relationship to relationship. I have been told I am very mature for my age but I’m only 22 years old. Sometimes I do feel like I’m a 50 year old man. The Polish guy I’m currently dating also has the same uneasiness about the age difference although we are only 9 years apart. With him, I know he wants a relationship and he also uses the argument that I need to go out and have loads of fun in order to know what I truly want. I believe that one of the main reasons he hasn’t asked me to be his boyfriend or whatever.  So what’s wrong with taking a chance on me? Am I that fragile or do they think I can’t handle being broken hearted incase it doesn’t work out? Does age really matter? Why did they contact me in the first place?

Given my history of low self-esteem issues and depression this is not helping at all. I’m beginning to feel as though there is something wrong with me (and I know there is nothing wrong but I can’t help it). I honestly don’t get all this “go out and have fun” business. The number of people I have hooked up with will make a whore blush and I reckon I will instantaneously combust if I ever step foot into a church. As for drinking, I have been drinking since I was fourteen years old, clubbing, been there done that. I partied in Berlin for 10 straight hours in an underground club in Berlin 2 years ago so thats that. It all boils down to age and “experience”. Also I guess because I have never had a boyfriend is also another hindrance. But as the popular saying goes “judge a book by its cover and you’ll never know the story. There’s so much more than meets the eye”

I guess the other option I have is to date people my age or younger but my past experiences have led me to avoid actively seeking to date people around my age. They crushed me like a bug and led to some of my low-self esteem issues. I would have to give it another shot sooner or later…

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