Je Ne Sais Quoi

It has certainly been quite a while since my last update. Who ever invented graduate school needs to thrown into a bottom less pit with endless articles and books. I’m just kidding of course. Graduate school is not *that* bad. I just miss the procrastinating days of my undergraduate days. I am counting the days until the term is over. So what’s been going on with me these days? Hmm where do I start. Perhaps with good news I suppose.

The months of endless flat searching and hunting finally paid off. I found a flat and and moved into it last week. Its in the financial district in London and I have a picturesque view of major landmarks and buildings in London. Plus my flat is right next to River Thames. The location is 15 minutes away from my campus via the tube. All in all its almost perfect. Also I am living with one of my mates from school and its been great. I believe I have the best luck when it comes to finding flatmates/roommates. Now on to the bad news…

Remember the Italian I wrote about a while back? Well lets just say he and I sort of drifted apart. I honestly don’t know how it started. After I gave him space to decide on whether he wants to move to São Paulo or stay in London, he made his choice and decided to stay in London. I was ecstatic when he informed me of his decision as I was already planning to tell him that I wanted to date him soon. I know for a fact that he is very busy with work and sometimes he does not communicate with me. That’s perfectly understandable. I didn’t mind the fact that I had to be the one to initiate messages and conversations but I hated that fact that he wouldn’t respond until about a week later. I will call and text and even use WhatsApp (which lets me know that he has read and received my message) but no response. At first I was not bothered but it became habitual and when I asked him he wouldn’t answer and go off topic. The last message I sent him was in mid November when I asked him how he was doing and if he really still wanted us to see each other. I still haven’t told him that I wanted to date him and at this point I will probably never will. Anyway, he didn’t respond until about 6 days later and the message he was “Hi babes, I am having a friend over, do you want to have a threesome”. While I wasn’t shocked or surprised, I didn’t respond to his message. We really haven’t spoken to each other since. Funnily enough, we haven’t seen each other after he informed me of his decision to remain to in London. I was not really mad or pissed off. Just disappointed. I know that he wasn’t a monogamous type and I think I am not either. I am an emotional monogamous person and not sexually monogamous. So I could have dealt with an open relationship situation. This past wednesday, he sent me a text message saying he really misses me and he misses my company. I did not respond to his message and I doubt that I will respond. So much for my dating life.

Also remember when I wrote that I hated it when people call me cute in an earlier post on this blog, well it seemed to have magnified in London and this time its coming from both guys and girls. Every week, I have someone tell me that I’m cute or adorable and they ask why I am single. It getting to be quite annoying. I know they mean no harm whatsoever but its having some kind of negative effect on me. I keep thinking “if all these people think I’m cute, then why can’t I get a well deserved attention from someone”. I don’t have time to deal with self esteem issues/question my attractiveness.

Speaking of attractiveness, I had a discussion with a friend who was asked me why I don’t like guys my age. All my sexual experiences have been with guys who were 10-15 years older than I am. The thing is, it’s not that I am not attracted to guys around my age, its just that every time I found the courage to tell a guy around my age that I liked them, I either got turned down, or I was not their type (most of them desired white guys only) or they were taken. I remember I went on a semi date with a guy around my age one time and he said “I don’t know how to say this but I don’t really like or date black guys but you are very cute for a black guy”. I didn’t know how to respond. I was left speechless. I excused myself to the bathroom and sneaked out to go home. I was first angry but then I began to cry as I felt that there was something wrong with me. The reason I went for guys slightly older than me was that they were mature to know what they wanted and we could have endless discussion about any thing and most were them were “colorblind” which I think was a big plus for me as they saw beyond the color of my skin. I am sure there guys my age who I would love date and are mature. I just have not found them yet. I know there is definitely some power play/dynamics going on when a young person “dates” an older person but all the older guys I have been with were very respectful and there was dominance/submission issues.

As I type this, I am pondering about the next step in this overly atypical life of mine. Le sigh


4 thoughts on “Je Ne Sais Quoi

  1. Yeah, I’ve been suffering through my own grad school-itis, coupled with “it’s almost Christmas and I’m still single.”

    I feel your pain. Good luck 🙂

  2. Mmmm Kwame I just wanna hug you. Boys our age can really be immature and think they know what they want but really do. I don’t think they really look inside past their fluff and think about WHY they like what they like. Are they closing themselves off because they truly don’t find an interest in it – AKA a “preference” – or is it a learned aversion through society that’s told them to stay away – AKA implicit racism.

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