What if…

As I was backing up all my files in preparation to update my operating system to Mountain Lion (Apple’s newest OSX), I came across some poems and short stories I wrote for my creative writing class during the summer of 2010. Most of my friends can attest to that fact that I loathe poems but for some reason, I had a morbid fascination with death and darkness when I wrote poems for my creative writing seminar. Below is a sample haiku I wrote:

Free
Death is calm tonight
Yet another soul is gone
At least he is free.

I honestly don’t know where my “inspiration” for the poems came from but it also reminded me of one of my life regrets…

In the same class, there was this boy who I believed was attracted to me. He used to flirt with me but I didn’t notice it until he touched my knee in class. I was freaked out by his gesture and switched seats. After I switched seats, he asked me out on a lunch date and I agreed to go. During the lunch date, he began to tell me his life story. From what I can remember,

He was from Utah and recently came out to his parents.
His parents had disowned him and he lived with his friends.
He was going to be a rising senior (I was going to be a rising junior).
He was studying mechanical engineering and wanted to work for Boeing.
He found me very attractive and was wondering if I wanted to date him…

The last statement threw me off guard and I didn’t know how to answer it. A simple yes or no would have sufficed but part of me wanted to say yes but the other part wanted to say no. Its not that he wasn’t attractive. He was. He had deep blue eyes and was a little bit shorter than me. The only thing I would have “judged” about him was his clothing. I know everyone says beauty is skin deep and that inner beauty is greater than out beauty but I’m sorry the way a person dresses and presents him/herself counts in my book. I told my sister about my little lunch date and her response was
“Go ahead and do it you need to get laid anyway. Besides it can be a summer fling”

I don’t know why I didn’t go for it. Perhaps I was scared of dating someone or maybe I was not ready. Looking back, this boy was really stubborn as he never gave up seeking my attention. He would walk me to the bus stop after class and always smiled at be in class. He was the only one who never gave me harsh criticism on my short story excerpts and he always put a smiley face on his comments on my work. I used my internship with the United Nations as a reason for not dating him. Anytime he wanted to hangout after class or do something over the weekend, my response would be
“I’m very swamped this week” or “Can we postpone since I’m busy” or “I’m kinda seeing someone”. Funny thing is I wasn’t at all busy and I wasn’t seeing anyone.I honestly don’t know why I lied to him. Maybe its myself destructive tendency

He eventually gave up as the school year began and I never saw him again. I remember he used to message me and ask how I was doing and if I am still “seeing someone”. Up until now, I really don’t know why I didn’t give him or myself a chance. Once in a while I just think out loud and say “What if I gave him a chance…”. This has become one of my regrets in life. My other regret is not applying to Stanford for my undergraduate studies when I had the chance.

Yesterday of all days, as I logged on to facebook, I saw that it was his birthday (damn you pesky facebook birthday notifications) and clicked on his profile. He still hasn’t changed his profile picture and the last time I wrote on his wall (I guess its called timeline now eh) was on 24th July 2010. It was his 21st birthday. I couldn’t wish him a Happy 23rd Birthday since I don’t even think he remembers me and also my post will be lost in the plethora of birthday wishes

I couldn’t help but smile at the comments he made on my short stories (which were pretty bad) as I read through them.

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