Why are you single? Part II

Previously on why are you single?…
I had a guy once whisper in my ear while holding my crotchal (!) area “I know you have a big dick and I want you to fuck me hard tonight” @_@. I was completely speechless and had to run outside the bar and take the next metro home. From that moment, I always avoided situations where I will be exorticised. Going back to the body issue, I am relatively fit when compared to most people. Sure I don’t have the wash board abs and muscle definition but I am very healthy. Its quite funny because I am the one who tends to give advice on body issue to my friends, yet I have this insecurity. Ironic much?.

When I was 13 years old, I fell in love with a boy.
I was living in my birth country (in a country in West Africa) as my dad said I had become too “americanised” and needed to learn my culture. They boy was about 3 years older than me and he was my dream man. I knew I was gay back then but I thought it was going to disappear. I was infatuated with this boy and would spend most of my time at his house just hanging out. I think he knew I liked him but with us living in an African country were being gay was a crime, it was best if no one ever found out. I used to sneak glances at him in class all the time. I remember one time, we showered together and almost made out but we were interrupted as other guys came into the shower. (damn them). As time went on, he fell in love with a girl at school and wanted my help to set up dates and other things. After the girl came in the picture, we hangout less and and I felt very jealous (who wouldn’t) and I told him I liked him. He just smiled a gave me a hug. When he broke up with the girl, I was excited but he was miserable and he was trying to get the girl back. I was certainly heartbroken and I played Brandy’s song “Have You Ever” countless times. I made a vow never to fall for a straight guy ever again and also hoped the “gay” will go away. I believe that was when I started to build my tough exterior. A year later, I was coming back to the United States to start high school and he was moving to Manchester in the UK. We never got to say goodbye as he left a month before I left.

As I grew up, I wondered was he bisexual? We connected via Facebook and he has certainly grown into quite the handsome man but he has become a devout christian and always talking about girls. There is nothing wrong with that but we haven’t talked about that fateful year and since I am over him, theres rally nothing left to discuss. Did he scar me for life? Highly doubt it. interestingly,  every time I am in the UK, we don’t make an effort to see each other.

My third year of high school was one of the most intense years of my life as well as that of my friends. I believe we were cursed that year. I witnessed almost all my friends get hurt by their boyfriends/girlfriends. The pain they went through was beyond harsh. One of my friends had to get a restraining order on her ex. My best friend got dumped by her boyfriend of three years for a random girl (well not really random, she was the boyfriend’s co worker) without any explanations. She was miserable for almost the entire year (I didn’t help either as I was depressed and suicidal). Seeing her struggle turned me off relationships and boys in general. My parents didn’t help either as it was the year that “officially” started their separation.

Fast forward to the summer before my senior year of college, my sister got dumped by her French boyfriend for a bloody college freshman girl! My sister is a Ph.D student and her boyfriend was a law student. Funny thing is that, before the summer, I visited my sister’s boyfriend in Paris and  every time he introduced me to his friends, he would talk about how he was going to marry my sister and how they will have mixed babies who will be multilingual. He was very much into her and bam! he goes and cheats on her. Because I was spending the summer holidays in London, I couldn’t be there for my sister as she went through that horrible time…Men really suck

So this brings me back to the title of my post: Why are you single?. Well I believe all men suck (yes including myself). As I mentioned earlier in my previous post, there is nothing inherently wrong with being single. I enjoy my life as a singleton and I am definitely not waiting for any prince charming to sweep me off my feet. My friends say I should put myself out there and see what happens. I have tried and I have been rejected (seriously nobody likes to be rejected) and with all the sexual rendezvous I had while studying abroad, its quite nice to just be single and just focus on me for a while…Sometimes I hate being single especially when all your friends have significant others. its just so awkward when they are lovey dovey around you. I remember during my first year of college, my friends and I made a pact to remain single until we  all find each other boys/men. I went away for a semester abroad, came back and almost all my friends had boyfriends and they were always trying to invited their boyfriends to our regular hangouts. My friends who don’t have boyfriends are always on the lookout for potential boyfriend material. It is no wonder they keep asking, “Why are you single?”

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5 thoughts on “Why are you single? Part II

  1. Not all men suck. Even after my breakup, I don’t believe that. There are nice guys out there … They just aren’t always that easy to find.

      • I am single because I enjoy my own company, and that compatibility is a myth and near-miss; as I do not suffer fools gladly, and most people do not love themselves, hence they are in no position to honestly afford any real depth of love for me.
        Thus I do not expect to receive anything emotionally satisfying from any of them, I just try to follow the promptings of the inner-voice of my heart.
        I do admire handsome men from a safe distance, but leave the rest to fantasies.
        Past experiences have shown that even as friends, as soon as I begin to show any response to their gay innuendo, then they turn nasty; they can kick the jokes at me, but as soon as I kick a joke back at them, they cannot catch it, and instead resort to self-righteous anger. They are the ones in denial, with tons of emotional baggage, which I do not need to add to my apple cart.
        Every body is searching for some body to be loved by. Naive vanity.
        I am just searching for how best to love myself by rendering anonymous unconditional love, without expecting any reciprocation.
        My next effort is to try to spiritualise my search for love.

      • Thanks for the response.
        I completely agree with you. There is nothing with being single and it is always best to love one’s self rather than seek outside validation. The quest for someone who can reciprocate the unconditional love I have for myself is an fascinating journey I hope to explore one day.

  2. Pingback: 2 Year Anniversary | The Life and Tales of a Not So Young Adult

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