“Why are you single?”
This is often the question my close friends and sister ask me almost everyday. I just answer by stating “I don’t know”, “maybe nobody likes me” , “I’m too picky” or “I’m not looking”. They reply by always saying “you are too hot to be single”. Me hot? very unlikely. I usually laugh it off but lately I have been thinking about it. So why am I single? Truth be told, I have no clue. I have never been in a relationship before and I have only “technically” dated two guys. I say “technically” because we were more like friends with benefits but we went on dates. Looking back, my friends and my sister are not the only people who have asked me why I am single. Almost all the guys I have hooked up with have said the same thing. I just shrug and tell them I don’t know either. There is nothing wrong with being single but sometimes I wonder how life will be if I had a connection with someone else other than my friends. I am not actively seeking a romantic partner/relationship but will certainly not mind if I end up in/with one. At heart, I believe I have some self-esteem issues. I have seen so many of my friends hurt by their exes and that makes me scared of relationships. Also I am a very complicated person. I have built a reputation as having one of the most guarded/tough/impenetrable exteriors. My family and friends have called me very non-emotional (I don’t believe that at all…I mean there are some days when I cry like a baby) as I always give them a “tough love” approach to life…
On the self-esteem bit – I’m sure most people, regardless of gender and/or orientation feel the same way – I feel as though I am not attractive enough. Since society has socialised us to subscribe to certain aspects of beauty and aesthetically pleasing appearances, its extremely difficult to change that mindset. This is especially problematic in the gay community as most people want the [white] Adonis type hunk with the perfectly chiseled face, muscled arms and sculpted abs. One can argue that this not what everyone in the gay community subscribes to. There are sub groups in the gay community for people who have other preferences/types (i.e bears, twinks, leather, etc). True, but even in such sub groups, they all have their ideal type.
So why don’t I feel attractive? Well for starters I am not white (more on racism in the LGBT community in a different post), don’t have wash board abs and I’m always the cute one. I have began to dislike it when guys call me cute. I know its a term of endearment but it really bugs me. While I was studying abroad last year, I was talking with this guy and he was calling me cute but when I another guy walked into the bar, he immediately turned to look at the guy and kept on saying how “hot” the guy was. I could see the lust and desire he had for the guy who walked in the bar and he had none of that for me. I ended the date at that moment and went home since I was getting very angry.
There was another instance when a guy who I was talking to online said “wow you are cute for a black guy” after he saw my picture. I was like WTF???? Is this guy serious? I felt very offended (mostly because I don’t identify as black and also “black” people can’t be cute??). The only times I have seen people have lust in their eyes for me is when they exorticise me. It’s always nice when people exorticise you especially if you have been rejected several times on the basis of you skin complexion and based on the fact that you are not “straight acting or masc”. But that schtick gets old very quickly. I had a guy once whisper in my ear while holding my crotchal (!) area “I know you have a big dick and I want you to fuck me hard tonight” @_@. I was completely speechless and had to run outside the bar and take the next metro home.