Why are you single? Part I

“Why are you single?”
This is often the question my close friends and sister ask me almost everyday. I just answer by stating “I don’t know”, “maybe nobody likes me” , “I’m too picky” or “I’m not looking”. They reply by always saying “you are too hot to be single”. Me hot? very unlikely. I usually laugh it off but lately I have been thinking about it. So why am I single? Truth be told, I have no clue. I have never been in a relationship before and I have only “technically” dated two guys. I say “technically” because we were more like friends with benefits but we went on dates. Looking back, my friends and my sister are not the only people who have asked me why I am single. Almost all the guys I have hooked up with have said the same thing. I just shrug and tell them I don’t know either. There is nothing wrong with being single but sometimes I wonder how life will be if I had a connection with someone else other than my friends. I am not actively seeking a romantic partner/relationship but will certainly not mind if I end up in/with one. At heart, I believe I have some self-esteem issues. I have seen so many of my friends hurt by their exes and that makes me scared of relationships. Also I am a very complicated person. I have built a reputation as having one of the most guarded/tough/impenetrable exteriors. My family and friends have called me very non-emotional (I don’t believe that at all…I mean there are some days when I cry like a baby) as I always give them a “tough love” approach to life…

On the self-esteem bit – I’m sure most people, regardless of gender and/or orientation feel the same way – I feel as though I am not attractive enough. Since society has socialised us to subscribe to certain aspects of beauty and aesthetically pleasing appearances, its extremely difficult to change that mindset. This is especially problematic in the gay community as most people want the [white] Adonis type hunk with the perfectly chiseled face, muscled arms and sculpted abs. One can argue that this not what everyone in the gay community subscribes to. There are sub groups in the gay community for people who have other preferences/types (i.e bears, twinks, leather, etc). True, but even in such sub groups, they all have their ideal type.

So why don’t I feel attractive? Well for starters I am not white (more on racism in the LGBT community in a different post), don’t have wash board abs and I’m always the cute one. I have began to dislike it when guys call me cute. I know its a term of endearment but it really bugs me. While I was studying abroad last year, I was talking with this guy and he was calling me cute but when I another guy walked into the bar, he immediately turned to look at the guy and kept on saying how “hot” the guy was. I could see the lust and desire he had for the guy who walked in the bar and he had none of that for me. I ended the date at that moment and went home since I was getting very angry.

There was another instance when a guy who I was talking to online said “wow you are cute for a black guy” after he saw my picture. I was like WTF???? Is this guy serious? I felt very offended (mostly because I don’t identify as black and also “black” people can’t be cute??). The only times I have seen people have lust in their eyes for me is when they exorticise me. It’s always nice when people exorticise you especially if you have been rejected several times on the basis of you skin complexion and based on the fact that you are not “straight acting or masc”. But that schtick gets old very quickly. I had a guy once whisper in my ear while holding my crotchal (!) area “I know you have a big dick and I want you to fuck me hard tonight” @_@. I was completely speechless and had to run outside the bar and take the next metro home.


6 thoughts on “Why are you single? Part I

  1. Fucking yes. This is what I needed today. I’ve heard the same bullshit. ‘Cute for a black guy’ what the fuck does that mean?

    Well written, honest, and I look forward to a second part.

  2. I’ve given this advice to a couple of people today: the problem is not you. The problem is that people suck. (Seriously: “You’re cute for a black guy”?!?!?!? What that means is: “I do not normally find black people attractive, but I would fuck you if you asked.” Which is pretty much just as offensive.)

    But let me go back to the title of your post: the question “why are you single?” — do you feel like there’s something wrong with being single? It doesn’t seem like you do – and that’s the answer (maybe not the nicest one) to the people who ask.

    “Why are you single?”
    “Because I’m a whole person on my own. If I find the right person who complements me, great, but I’m not going to just run out and get into a relationship because I feel like I’m supposed to be in one.”

    You’re the only one who knows if you’re ready for a relationship. And believe you me, I know about self-esteem issues – I know you’ve read my blog 🙂 There are plenty of fish in the sea, even for those who don’t conform to ideal body types and chiseled abs like you and me 🙂

    • Thanks for the advice. I may steal your “Because I’m a whole person on my own. If I find the right person who complements me, great, but I’m not going to just run out and get into a relationship because I feel like I’m supposed to be in one.” and use it. hahaha. I will pay royalties of course 😀

      Back to the “You’re cute for a black guy” bit, I have had it said to me in an academic setting too, usually it goes “Wow you are very intelligent for a black guy” or “For a black guy, yoU write and speak really well”. @_@. Sometimes I don’t even know how to react. I didn’t grow up in a racialized setting so coming to back to the U.S. after a long hiatus, and view things from a racialized perspective was and is still very difficult for me.

      Sadly its worse in the gay community. I had one of my friends enter a state of depression because he was rejected so many times and felt like nobody loved him and wished he was white…

      • There’s a comedian – Bruce … Daniels? I think is his last name; he opens for Margaret Cho a lot. I remember he had a riff about people saying things like, “Wow, you’re whiter than I am” to him (he’s black), and his comeback was always “You mean, because I speak proper English? That doesn’t make me whiter than you. It makes me smarter than you.”

        But, yes, the community (such as it is) can be horribly superficial. I don’t know whether to appreciate the fact that people are so brutally honest about it (unlike others who are two faced), or whether to disdain it. A little from column A, a little from column B, perhaps …

      • Honestly, I believe everyone is a tiny bit superficial. I mean we have preferences after all but there is a difference between being brutally honest and being mean. Its fine if a person is not attracted to someone from a particular ethnic group but there is a better way of expressing one’s preference that doesn’t make another person feel horrible and worthless. Thats the lesson we need to learn.

        P.S. Margaret Cho came to perform at my school and she was hilarious! Absolutely love her

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